I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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