Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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