I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
