The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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