The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
