They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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