saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
