so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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