Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
