i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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