I am spending my child support on dildos
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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