I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
