I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
