Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
