remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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