Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
