Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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