The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
