Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
