I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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