that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
