how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
