Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
