i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
