she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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