I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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