I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
