I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
