did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
