Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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