I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
