I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
