Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
