The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
