He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
