I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
