I think I just saw someone hide a body.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
