I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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