I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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