I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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