those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
