Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
