wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
