Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
