I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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