i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
