I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Vodka?
Forever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
