At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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