I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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