Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
