i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
