gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That accounts for only three of the penises
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
