She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
