It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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