And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
