Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Panties = found
Randomize
