I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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